Sunday, June 20, 2010
Arizona cancelled its proposed 1.25 million dollar ‘squirrel bridge’. It seems 250 squirrels live on one side of a rural road on Mount Graham. They like to occasionally cross the road. An average of five jaywalking squirrels die each year in the attempt to see what’s on the other side of the road. To prevent the deaths of five squirrels a year while crossing the road some genius’s came up with this 1.25 million dollar bridge idea to save them. The money was coming out of federal funds which were stolen… er… I mean collected from us rubes in the rest of the country. Graham County Supervisor Mark Herrington asked a damn good question the day before bridge cancellation - "I don't think it's the smartest allocation of resources," he said. "With all the problems we’re facing today, with the economy the way it is…that's a huge expense and how do you guarantee that the squirrels are going to cross the bridge?" Maybe Arizona could use the federal funds to take back our wildlife preserve on the border from the Mexican Drug Cartels. Now that project expense I could understand.
Besides, here’s what the squirrels on the Mount Graham road were saying just the other day. Three of the squirrel residents huddled together looking out at the rather flattened body of their comrade, Silly Squirrel.
Sammy Squirrel sighed deeply. “Silly kept dancing right where we’re standing saying ‘what’s over there… what’s over there?’. I told him it was the same as this side but he just wouldn’t listen.”
Sadie Squirrel shook her head, cringing as a Ford pickup truck decreased the mass of Silly’s inert body by another half inch with its back right tire. “Silly never listened. He wasn’t very bright in these matters.”
Johnnie Squirrel snorted derisively. “Let’s not get all morbid here. Silly was dumber than a bag of rocks. He broke the squirrel commandment thou shalt not run under a Cadillac Escalade. We should focus on the positive here. I saw that snake charmer Rocky Raccoon staring longingly across the road last night. I’d bet a nice fat walnut he’s gettin’ ready to become road kill any day now.”
“Really?” Sadie asked with her little eyes brightening at the thought. “He’s mean.”
“Yeah… stupid mean,” Sammy added, chortling and rubbing his little paws together. Suddenly, Johnnie tugged on his companions’ shoulders.
“Get down! Here comes the Rock now.”
The three crouched silently as a large black masked raccoon scampered up to the road, darting out a few feet onto the paved surface and back again.
“He’s ignoring Silly’s body,” Sadie whispered, “almost like he doesn’t care.”
“The Rock thinks he’s smarter than anyone else,” Johnnie replied. “He’s probably thinking to himself - ‘ha ha, there’s that dumbass Silly plastered to the road. I bet I could get across’. Uh oh, there he goes.”
Rocky Raccoon made it across one lane before an eighteen wheeler on the other side ended the ill conceived journey in a bloody mess of pulverized raccoon.
“Budda Bing!” Johnnie called out coldly.
“Eeeeeeeuuuuuu!” Sadie covered her eyes but peaked through anyway at the red glutinous mass across the highway.
“I don’t know about you two, but I’ve had enough entertainment for one day,” Sammy said, turning away to scamper down from the roadside a few steps. “Anymore of that and they’ll be adding the damn raccoons to the endangered species list.”
“More nuts for us, matey,” Johnnie announced, joining his friend. “C’mon Sadie, unless you want to go take a walk on the wildside.”
“I don’t think so!” Sadie scrambled down and popped Johnnie on the back of the head. “That’s for being so insensitive.”
“It’s called natural selection.” Johnnie rubbed the back of his head while Sammy tittered appreciatively at Sadie’s attitude adjustment. “What do you want me to do about it, build a bridge?”
The three squirrels laughed together at the ridiculous concept and ran off into the woods.
There you have it folks. Even the squirrels think the idea is stupid.