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Thursday, January 24, 2008

Zombie Queen

Here’s a little post with an in the box heroine, with politically incorrect views, I thought to have some fun with. Hope it gets a few smiles. :)

Jenny sat in English class, bored to tears. Once again her tenth grade English Lit teacher decided to launch into a global warming talk-a-thon, trying to tie the latest environmental money-making bonanza into Ralph Waldo Emerson’s works. Jenny looked out the window toward the high school fenced boundary, idly wondering if her next door neighbor Jim had skipped Algebra II class as he had told her he would. Ms. Kolinsky noticed the one face in the window row not turned toward her.

“Jenny… Jenny!”

“Yes?” Jenny returned her attention to Ms. Kolinsky reluctantly.

“Am I boring you?”

“Yes,” Jenny replied, hearing the giggling undercurrent her words evoked. “Emerson himself would gag if he listened to you trying to pair his individualistic free thinking with this herd mentality global warming con. My Dad said they claimed we were headed for a new ice age in the early seventies, and a lot of sheep bought into it then. Now, it’s global warming.”

“But…” Ms. Kolinsky gasped, swallowing hard, as Jenny’s classmates quieted in anticipation, “what of the polar icecaps melting? Is that a con too?”

“Mar’s polar icecaps have begun melting,” Jenny retorted. “Anyone know of excessive SUV driving on Mars? It’s the Sun, Ms. Kolinsky; and even if the entire world went back into caves, we couldn’t stop the Sun going through this warming cycle. I don’t…”

“Hey… look!” One of her classmates, named Debbie said, pointing out the window.

Screams of terror followed, as the entire class watched the fenced perimeter being breached by slow moving corpses. The rotting flesh tore off wherever caught on the sagging fence as the horrific horde staggered or crawled over the downed obstacle. Jenny clamped her hands over her ears.

“Shut up, you dorks!” Jenny ordered, quieting her classmates to bearable sobbing. “These things move like frozen honey. We beat their brains out, and don’t let them bite you. Didn’t anybody see the myriad zombie movies playing everywhere?”

“What happened?!” Ms. Kolinsky moaned, staring in disbelief at the approaching army of corpses. “This can’t be… it’s impossible… why…”

“Maybe it’s global warming,” Jenny suggested sarcastically. “Hell, they’re blaming everything else on it. C’mon Ms. K, snap out of it. You can’t hold a discovery conference on why we’re being attacked by zombies. We need to take these things out there in the open where they can’t surround us. I only count about thirty of the slugs. Let’s grab something to club them with and take care of business.”

“I…I can’t do this,” Ms. Kolinsky sat down at her desk, head in hands.

Jenny saw some others beginning to get down at the mouth, when the screaming started in earnest outside the classroom, as students and teachers ran around pointlessly in the hallways. Her friend Jim charged into the English Lit classroom, looking around wildly. When he saw Jenny, his whole countenance relaxed. Great, Jenny thought, someone I can count on.

“I was afraid you’d skipped class,” Jim said, taking her hands. “I see you noticed the refugees from Night of the Living Dead.”

“We need clubs,” Jenny told him.

“The gym will have aluminum baseball bats, hockey sticks, cricket paddles…”

“Outstanding,” Jenny pulled him toward the door, while looking back at her stunned classmates. “Jim and I are going to get armed and kick some zombie ass. Anyone interested in joining us, come on along.”

Many kids stayed where they were, huddled in abject fear, staring like deer in the headlights out the windows. Seven others, four boys and three girls, followed Jim and Jenny out into the hallway. Shouting about getting armed and kicking zombie ass, Jenny gathered a small army of students on the way to the high school gym. They found the high school gym teacher hiding in his locked office. It had windows, and Jenny pounded on the door.

“Open up, Mr. Keefer, we need the keys to the equipment locker!”

When Keefer turned away, shaking his head fearfully, Jenny picked up a chair from the outer locker room and smashed it into the office window, shattering it. Jim went through the opening lithely. The over six foot tall Jim, who had played both football and basketball for Keefer, spun the man around.

“Man up, coach. Open the equipment locker!” Jim shouted in the terrified man’s face.

Keefer extended his shaking hand to Jim with his keys. Jim grabbed the key ring and vaulted out the window. They quickly opened the equipment room. The couple passed out everything useable for zombie warfare, including helmets and shoulder pads, making sure everyone with them had something formidable to swing. Jenny led the way through the gym exit, carefully scanning the grounds for errant zombies. With Jim at her side, she led the dozens of grim faced kids around the building. Jenny yelped in delight, waving her aluminum bat, when she saw the zombies had spread out after breaking through the fence.

“Stay in threes!” Jenny called out. “Pick your hitter, and surround each slug one at a time. Don’t waste your time on body parts! Pulp the head! Keep your hitter covered from other slugs until the hitter finishes, and then move on to the next target. I’ll show you how it’s done. C’mon Jim, you and Debbie watch my back.”

Charging ahead, whooping in anticipation, Jenny ran at the first zombie staggering across the lawn toward the building, a full twenty feet ahead of its companions. Jenny circled the slow motion corpse, and swung the aluminum bat at its head, hitting the thing as it tried to turn with a sickening crunch of skull. The zombie pitched forward to its hands and knees. With Debbie and Jim flanking her, Jenny busted the zombie’s head apart. It collapsed unmoving to the ground.

“Get ‘em!!!” Jenny screamed out to her student army, urging them forward with her bat.

In threes, the crowd of students charged confidently after seeing Jenny’s easy handling of the undead zombie. The battle ended fifteen minutes later. Joyful students celebrated their triumph by busting the unmoving corpses into pieces. Jenny let it go on for a time, and then called out for order. With Jim at her side, Jenny spoke in calm terms.

“Let’s go back in the school, and get the sheep inside armed. We don’t know if there are thousands of these things or what. We’ll try and contact people; but for now, we’re on our own.”

“What do we do if they won’t join us,” Debbie asked seriously.

“They’ll join us now, or we’ll threaten to feed them to the zombies,” Jenny answered, drawing laughter from the students. “Let’s go.”

“I bet you were surprised all those zombie movies I dragged you to would come in handy, huh?” Jenny asked Jim, nudging him as they walked toward the school.

“I’ll never doubt you again, Xena,” Jim laughed, putting his arm around Jenny’s shoulders.


Bernita said...

I like this.

BernardL said...

Thanks for commenting, Bernita. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Bernita said...

It's the practical tactics - stay in threes and protect your hitter - that delights me most, I think.

BernardL said...

I appreciate you noticing, Bernita. :)

raine said...

Wtg, Jenny.

BernardL said...

Thanks, Raine. :)