USA Network Roast

First, let me say I like the main characters and action in the TV show ‘In Plain Sight’. However… Mary, the US Marshall on the show houses her parasitic Mom (Jinx) and Sister (Brandi). I fast forward the moment I see either one appear on the screen. They are so annoying and dysfunctional, in real life if Mary shot them both in the head, everyone who knows them would volunteer for the burial detail, including cops and FBI agents.

The Mom and Sister are so maddening, in an episode involving Mary in a locked room having to shoot the Mom and Sister or a murderous drug dealer, I’d be rooting for the drug dealer. I’m praying USA Network is hanging on to these two toads for a sweeps week where they’re tortured and killed. I’d be happy, but the episode would be too far fetched. When her partner talked to Mary after they found Jinx and Brandi dead, Marshall would say something like:

“Don’t worry, Mar, we’ll get the bastards who did this.”

To make the plot believable for me after all those two whiney, self absorbed con artists put her through in prior episodes, Mary would have to reply:

“Yeah, they do nice work. Don’t worry. They’ll be stopping by my house later for their money. I’m a little light, Marshall, can you loan me five thou.”

The previews for this week have the FBI arresting Brandi for murder. What the episode should be about is a murder/suicide. Brandi kills Jinx in a fit of rage over Jinx falling off the wagon again and hurling all over Brandi’s stash of meth. Brandi then kills herself after she realizes she’ll be the most repulsive character on the show with Jinx gone.

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Burn Notice gets the beef next in the USA Network’s line-up. I’m having Mom and Brother issues in this one. Michael’s Mom (Madeline) and Brother (Nate) were the most irritating family members on TV. The good news for Burn Notice is compared to In Plain Sight’s Mother/Daughter duo Jinx and Brandi, Madeline and Nate seem almost likeable. The bad news is every time Madeline and Nate make an appearance they’re with a main character. Note to USA Network – at least have the decency to keep these two loons together so I can fast forward through their appearances. Again… I’m praying for a sweeps week special where USA offs this pair for a ratings bonanza.

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If the network’s interested I have a great crossover series for them. First, a vampire visits In Plain Sight’s Albuquerque locale and turns Jinx and Brandi into vamps. Marshall and Mary hunt down the vamp and stake him, but not before Jinx and Brandi escape to Miami using Mary’s Cuban baseball player boyfriend Raphael as the driver. Continued in Burn Notice.

Raphael, under threat of death, drives Jinx and Brandi to Miami with Marshall and Mary on their tail. The vamps hold up in Madeline and Nate’s house. It was a long drive so Jinx and Brandi drain Madeline and Nate into dry husks. Marshall and Mary arrive at the grisly scene too late. Jinx and Brandi had already made their getaway with the hapless Raphael. The US Marshalls team up with Michael, Fiona, and Sam – Mary knows now Jinx and Brandi must die. Michael and Sam track the pair to an abandoned shack in the Everglades where Raphael has activated his cell-phone GPS. Mary feels guilty because she’s secretly glad and insists on staking them herself when the team catches up to the pair in the Everglades. Fiona blows up the shack after Mary gleefully plunges two oaken ‘Mr. Pointy’s’ into Jinx and Brandi while Marshall holds them at bay with a cross. The stars then share lies about how much they’ll miss Jinx, Brandi, Madeline, and Nate while toasting each other with shots of Tequila at a local bar before going home. Now that’s entertainment. :)